I have never been known as someone to be on the same page as those around me. I’m sometimes ahead, sometimes behind…always in a different chapter. Hell, sometimes I was even in a completely different book than most. It’s inevitable..there will always come a time when you have to choose between turning the page or closing the entire book, and putting that book away in a safe place, to maybe be picked up and glanced through, but never totally reread.
I honestly have no idea what my 3 A.M. morning drive to Topeka for work did to my mind today, but a light bulb not only turned on in my head but illuminated parts of my brain to the point of being painful. I quite literally had to stop at the nearest rest area, grab my phone and attempt to jot down everything my mind was spewing at me about a major chapter in my book that for the last 7 months I wish had never been written.
I had been trying to shed light on the very complex two and a half year chapter of Jordyn and I’s relationship since even before our breakup. I have been going through the tough process of starting to accept that there will be parts of our story that will always be blurred, grayed to the point of incomprehension.
Don’t get me wrong, there are crisp, clear memories that I hope never fade, but deep down I know will. But mixed in with all the greatness our relationship withheld was also something that can be compared to unimaginable darkness, and I hope in the coming years those horrible recollections fade.
I can say I am no longer scared of monsters, for I realized today that I was once wholeheartedly in love with one. And the saddest part is that I cannot blame her. She was a monster by design. She didn’t get the choice of who raised her, of what she was exposed to in the most crucial years of her delicate life. She didn’t have a choice but to sit, experience and watch things that no young child should ever had to endure.
But she did. And she lived. And years down the line I managed to step foot into the path of destruction that she has learned how to pave so well.
Our budding love started out as a long distance relationship, which to this day I still don’t know how we managed to keep that fire lit for a year. But, for a monster, the distance was beyond perfect.
She was able to shed the mask and undeniably hide the monster inside her successfully each visit when we managed to see one another once every few months. But once the monster, who I’m sure was begging and clawing to escape, became comfortable with my presence, that’s when red flag after red flag popped up, and I ignored each and every single warning.
I loved her.
All her baggage, her past, did not change what I saw in her. At that point, she was beautiful, inside and out. Who cares if drugs and those that did them alongside her were her muse? She had survived so much and had untapped potential that no one else but me saw in her. I believed that I had found the love of my life, and no matter how challenging our relationship was going to prove to be, I was in it for the long haul. And I without a doubt believed she was on the same page as I. Until she moved to Hays…
Being able to finally close the six-hour gap between me and the one that made a hug feel like home was undeniably a dream come true. I was beyond enthused, as was she, for a very short time.
As I accompanied her to rental showings, I thought, why not move in with me? We had already been together a year and a half, what better way to move forward in our relationship than moving in together?!
I pushed the idea, and she agreed.
I think that stepping stone was the first big mistake that opened up the opportunity for her to pave her destructive path. Taking a job that I warned her would not be a great place for her, in the long run, was the next step. I had known the place where she had started working was full of bad news, I had lived around Hays my entire life. It did not take very long for shit to unravel. Getting involved with people that she thought brought her up put major roadblocks in her fresh college career start, as well as began to build a wall that I was totally clueless she was building against me to block me out.
You see, the thing about monsters is, they hate being seen for what they are truly made of. And unlike the monstrosities we knew as children, they do not have to look scary or frighten us. They may come off as tough, courageous and honest. They are not ever ready for someone loving them, for they keep a shielded distance around them at all times. Jordyn’s famous words throughout the last part of our crumbling relationship were, “I feel trapped, you trap me.”
I have felt guilty about those words for almost a year. Until today. I was a person that came along and lit fires inside her that she was not ready for. She could not face the fact that I kept turning on the light in the closet she felt comfortable in (no gay pun intended).
I literally had to sit and watch as she destroyed the foundation of what we once were with her manipulations, lies and hurtful words. Granted, I said things to her I am still to this day not proud of. I did things wrong as well. Inexperience comes with young love.
But, what she did to me cannot be excused by ignorance. Monsters, when exposed, would rather retreat to the amenity of their closet than deal with the consequences of their actions. Jordyn slammed the door so hard on me that I used everything I had left inside me to open it. And I was unsuccessful.
That was the hardest part; watching her willingly let others into her inside world as I sat on the sidelines, as I looked at the promise ring she so lovingly gave me not too long before and wondering “why?”
I will forever remember our last days as seeing her physically all over her best friend, hopped up on acid, as if I was watching from a television screen, seeing her become the very worst version of herself. All because I tried to help make her a better person.
It did not help that I was trying to compete with something that I could not compare to for those like her and her friends, drugs.
Drugs had been a lifestyle choice of hers before I came into the picture. And it was one that I really had no choice but to get accustomed to, for that’s what you do in love. You sacrifice small things. But the use of drugs became a bigger problem and was a major reason for the rift that grew in our relationship.
Seeing her multiple times under the influence of whatever she could get her hands on at the time was like watching her through someone else’s eyes.
I was helpless.
I couldn’t stop her.
The lies and manipulation came right along with drug consumption, which became a trap she used as a scapegoat for her action. As an easy way out from the reality that she had inevitably created for herself.
I did nothing wrong, besides loving her way more than I loved myself.
She felt trapped by me wanting more time with her, which in turn made her fall in love with her drug-loving people that pulled her down with them.
I guess maybe I asked too much from the monster she became? I scared her because I loved and cared about her. And her upbringing taught her to never depend on anyone, to shut out getting comfortable with people, because they always leave. I can understand that to a T.
I have no idea to this day if she truly loved me or she just liked the idea of love.
Because if you truly, wholeheartedly and undoubtedly love someone like I loved her, you would do anything to cherish and keep them close. Instead, I managed to make her push me away.
I have blamed myself this entire time because her words and actions that she DID manage to pursue pointed blame at me. I will give it to her, she is good at mind games.
Truly up until today, I believed it was my fault for our falling out. When in reality, yes I made mistakes, but she could have chose much different ways to go about things. Without trust, loyalty, and communication, there is no relationship. But with lies, deceit, hate and controlled exploitation comes an never-ending cycle.
Another thing about monsters is it takes a monster to create one…but thank goodness the light inside of me, no matter how much she dimmed it, was stronger even at its weakest, than the darkness that grows inside her.
We all have pasts and baggage that have the potential to feed the monster inside. The definition of true power is releasing the inner demons. To allow people in to help you so they can cast light within you that ignites even the darkest corners.
Opening up to anyone is scary as hell, but if we fail to do this, we will never find the untapped potential within us and allow it to be greeted with love and compassion. Finding love is a great way to see the greatness in yourself through the eyes of another.
I loved a monster.
There will be days I regret it.
There will be days I cherish it.
There will be times I can still feel the knife in my back.
There will be days I miss the challenges we faced.
There will be days I will look back and feel the pain of letting my inner monster out for others to see.
But I do know one thing; I will not become another human in this vicious cycle. I will continue to be a person that lights up the dark for others. And in that, I find my purpose.